USAIR TALES # 17 KCLT - MKJS A Major Issue... (Part 2)

Two hours later...

I've been listening to Josh jabber on about his bass guitar (he plays bass in a band in his spare time), and trying to get Lolo situated in first class...

Finally I was able to get her onboard and get started on my preflight... giving our CLT Hub Manager Josh Drummond, our preflight walkaround of the A321. Believe me the time alone was golden. I imagined he would talk my ear off the whole way to Jamaica.



With Christmas only a day away, I was anxious to get today's flying done and get to the hotel with Lolo and Tiff, where I would treat them to a luxurious vacation par excellance!

Chris had already left in his assigned CRJ regional jet, headed back to DCA with his writeup in hand, so now all I had to contend with was this 3 hour flight on AWE985 to Montego Bay. The plan was almost perfect... except for one thing. I never counted on what I call... "The Josh Factor".



"Plane looks fine Boss! We are ready and rearing to go! LET'S GIT R DONE!!!" Josh shouted as he sat down, startling a few incoming passengers, as well as George and Wanzetta on greeter duty.

Josh are you gonna scream that the whole time we are flying?

"Well... that's what we are doing right? Gittin 'Er Done?"

Well yeah, but seriously man, you don't have to shout it... Turn the volume down a notch please.

"Sorry Boss... git r done..."

There would be a lot of eye rolling on this flight... such as now...

We loaded on time and got our pushback clearance from Ryan, along with a warning that traffic was going to be bottlenecked this time of day.



As long as they are flying, I do not care... We had many months of pilots basically sitting on their rumps, so I was at least glad to see all of Charlotte's pilots actually out there to impress their boss and myself. I guess that "Pep Talk" our COO Mike Moro gave them a month back finally shook some sense into them.

Either that or Charlotte was hellbent on making Hub of the month with all the flight hours. Philly beat them two months running...

Whatever the case, I was happy about it... Until we rounded the corner of terminal B...



WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?!?!

As I peered out the front it looked like a single Canadair Regional was facing the wrong way, tying up traffic. Everyone was halted to a standstill, as Ryan feverishly tried to get everyone their taxi orders, and clear the errant plane from the way of traffic.

It took half an hour to decide who went when...

Josh took it upon himself to open his side window and shout out to anyone within earshot...

"MOVE YOUR DAMN PLANE!!! I'LL HAVE YOU TERMINATED IF YOU DO NOT MOVE!!! CEO COMING THROUGH!"

Josh, they cannot hear you...

"I swear Drew, there is a lack of discipline going on here!"

Yes I can see that... By the way, it is YOUR hub? How do you account for this?

"THEY'RE IDIOTS!"

Uh huh...



30 Minutes later we finally navigated the mess and were parked at runway 32 waiting for yet another CRJ to come in.

This is not good... we are way behind schedule on a 3 hour flight... There's no way we are going to make Jamaica on time.

"Not to worry Boss, I got this! We'll make it! GIT R..."

I glared at him...

"I mean git r done..."

A couple minutes later Ryan gave us our takeoff clearance. I called to the flight attendants to be seated and had Josh do the honors.



From my vantage point this airport was a balled up mess. There were tons of aircraft taxiing, and it seemed to me that no one had any idea where they were going.

I cannot blame Ryan and the ATC staff though on loan from Las Vegas... They were doing the best job they could...

It was still a mess.



As we rolled down the runway I could have sworn I saw a near miss!

I made a mental note to talk to Steve about airport ops while he is on vacation. This is unacceptable!

I was interrupted by Josh's screaming.

"YEAH BABY!!! HERE WE GOOOOOOOOOO!!!! ROTATE THIS SUCKAH!"

Before I could tell him to shut up, the Wilco systems had us rotating to a very steep 20 degrees just in time before we had a tail strike...

Sheesh... ok this is not a good start!

Josh was laughing as we went gear up and started our positive climb.



What is it about these CLT pilots?

I swear they are adrenalin junkies!

Ok Josh, now that we got the takeoff out of the way, can you do me a huge favor please and shush?

"Oh sorry again Boss... Takeoffs EXCITE me!"

Yeah well keep your excitement to yourself please! What is with all this haze today, this was not there when we landed earlier?



"Dunno Boss... It's Charlotte weather I guess... Not your usual KPIT huh?"

Oh no I am used to fog and snow, not this crap!

Ryan made his last call to us.

"Cactus 985, contact Atlanta control at 125.3... Have a safe flight you guys and Merry Christmas"

Contact Atlanta Center at 125.3, Cactus 985... Thanks Ryan, you too... Have a safe flight back to Providence.

With that we were finally on our way... allbeit LATE!



Columbia, SC in our sights, we transitioned to our cruise altitude of 35,000 feet.

"So Boss... what's the first thing you gonna do when we get to Jamaica mon?"

Get Tiff and Lolo to the hotel, and plop myself down for a long winter's nap.

"Aww man! Come on, we need to head to the bar and check out the chicks!'

Ok, YOU can check out the chicks... I already brought mine.

"Hahahaha yeah! By the way, your daughter looks niiiiiiice!"

THIRTEEN JOSH! Don't even start! THIRTEEN!

"Oh... sorry... did not know."

Once again... I rolled my eyes.



It did not take us long to reach Columbia, and I decided in a few moments I would have Tiffany and company start drink service...

I got her on the phone and made her aware.

"Everything ok in there Drew?"

Yeah Tiff... Josh is just a little excited about the trip.

"Ok... oh and tell him if he slaps my butt again, I am gonna deck him!"

I stared at Josh... Ok Tiff... I'll tell him.



As I saw the coast of South Carolina in the distance and our aircraft approached our cruise altitude, I took a moment to relay Tiffany's message.

By the way Josh, Tiff says if you slap her ass again she is gonna knock you out.

"WHA? But but... NO! I did not do that!"

She says you did... You trying to tell me that my girlfriend is a liar?

"But... No... My hand slipped! I went to grab something off the desk! She was in the way!"

I sighed...

Josh... Do not mess with Tiff... If she don't kick your ass... I will... and then I am gonna fire you!

....

"Yes Sir!"



With us at cruise and drinks being served, I let Josh takeover flight duties and went to first class to see how Lolo was doing.

Luckily she had an empty seat next to her. I sat down.

How you doing there Lolo the Cat?

She immediately started crying.... what the?

"I miss him Dad!" she blustered as she hugged me.

I tentatively glanced around at the other passengers...

Missed who?



"My boyfriend Seth..." she added.

Boyfriend? Since when do you have a boyfriend?

"HAD DAD! HAD! I broke up with him last week? Didn't you get my email?"

Ummm... no?

"AAAAGH! MEN! Go away! I don't want to talk to you" she said as she pushed me away and continued crying.

Ok, I am totally lost here... I got up and shrugged to the lady opposite Lolo, who was eyeing us intently.

"Don't worry Captain... I'll talk to her" the passenger added.

I nodded and headed back to the cockpit. Tiff was about to serve lunch.



Josh was jabbering away again about something...

Sorry I was not paying attention... I was concerned about my daughter, and sent Tiff to check on her after she was done serving first class...

By the time Tiff reported back we were just east of Daytona Beach, FL...

The door opened...

"Drew... can you go sit with Lolo again, she says she is having a major issue here."

I sighed yet again. Is she gonna push me away this time?

"Just get back there." Tiff commanded.

I looked to Josh, who gleefully gave me a thumbs up, and went back to my daughter.



"Dad... You ever love someone so bad it hurts?"

I did not know how to answer that... After all, I loved her mom.

Well yes dear... I have. Why?

"Well I gave Seth the best months of my life! I kissed him the way he wanted to be kissed... I showed up for every football game... I even had to beat some bitch down who tried to look at him funny"

A couple passengers turned their heads... Umm... Since when does my daughter cuss? Wait... kissing? What?

Lolo... you're not... well... you know... having... S-E-X... are you?

"WHAT?!?!?! NO DAD! I AM A VIRGIN!"

I nervously glanced at the other passengers chuckling...

"Just... Just go away!"

She pushed me away AGAIN!

As I shrugged and made my way back to the cockpit a second time, Josh was announcing to the passengers on the left side that if they looked out the window they could see Cape Canaveral.



A few minutes later we were passing West Palm Beach, and headed out to sea.

"Hey Boss... did you take care of your daughter?"

I dunno Josh. I do not understand teenagers... She's crying about some boy...

"Want me go talk to her?"

NO. Just leave her be!

"Ok ok, chill out there Papa Bear! Jus' tryin' ta help!"



It was silent for a few minutes till Josh started humming some 80's rock tune I could not place.

I did not think much of it, till he started humming louder and playing air bass guitar.

"... OOOOH BABY!"

JOSH!! Can you shut up PLEASE for just 30 minutes?

"Sorry Boss."

Ugh... why must everyone always apologize to me?

"Cause you are the Boss, Boss!"

Well can it please.

Knock on the door again... Tiff popped in. Looked like she had company behind her.



Lolo bustled past Tiffany...

"Dad, we need to talk NOW." And with that she plopped down in the jumpseat. Tiff shrugged and closed the door.

Lolo, I am busy flying.

"Hey there Lolo!" Josh added.

I glared at him.

"DAD! You are always too busy! When are you gonna make time for ME? You SAY you are my dad, but I never get to talk with you anymore!"

Checkmate.... she had me there.

Go ahead Lolo, I am listening.



"I think Seth cheated on me."

Umm... define cheating?

"He has been kissing other girls! My friend Bianca, told me that Karen told her, that Chantay told her that she saw him frenching Angela!"

I tried as best as I could to follow that logic...

"Dad, I LOVE HIM! But I cannot stay in a relationship with a boy who is gonna do this, ya know?"

I know...

I am still reeling... When did my daughter start having boy trouble?

"What do I do Dad? I hate him!"

"But you just said you love him a minute ago" Josh added...

"Who is this dork?" Lolo asked.

That's Josh... pay him no mind... He is flying the plane, RIGHT Josh?

"Yes Boss."



Ok Lolo, so lemme get this straight. This... BOY... you been... dating... he is kissing other girls?

"YES DAD! Haven't you been listening? Bianca told me..."

Ok ok I got that part... So why would you want to be with a boy like that then?

"Cause he is an awesome kisser! And he is captain of the Middle School football team... and he does this thing with his tongue..."

WHAT?!?!?!?

I could see Josh's eyes light up...

I swear to god Josh if you say ONE WORD, you are staying in the bathroom till we land.

Lolo... what kinda thing with his tongue are you talking about?



"Kissing Dad! He knows how to french kiss... And he is doing it with other girls" she started bawling again.

Josh leaned over...

"She knows how to french kiss? Damn Drew!"

Josh... for the last time... shut up.

Lolo. Stop crying please. If he is gonna do that to other girls, then he is obviously not right for you. The man... err boy that is right for you will devote his time TO YOU... Not to others.

I could not believe what was coming out of my mouth. I was giving relational advice to my daughter. This is freaky... considering my own relational issues with her mom.

"Dad... I am over him. He can go fu..."

LOLO! Don't even use that language here!

"Well he can go freak himself! Can I borrow your phone? I wanna call up Mike."



First of all... NO... We are in a plane. Second of all... who's Mike?

"DAD! YOU DID NOT READ MY EMAIL??? AAAAGH!"

She slammed the door and went back to first class, sobbing all the way.

A few tense seconds later, Josh turned to me...

"She knows how to french kiss already?"

JOSH! Call Havana tower!



"You know Boss... I don't mean to pry, but what you need to tell her is she should not even be worried about boys at her age. I mean all boys that age wanna do is get in her pants."

Yeah... That is what I am afraid of Josh.

I admit it... I have been a bad dad. Here I am wondering when my daughter actually started growing up...

I have been so concerned with the airline that I have neglected the one person I consider "center of my universe".

I felt like a real turd.

Only one thing for it... I had to go back to first class.

Josh obliged...



By the time it took us to overfly Cuba and get within 100 miles of Jamaica, I think I had finally begun to understand this creature called a teenage daughter.

With the help of Mrs. Abernathy in seat 3F, I was able to convince her that she need not be so concerned with boys right now.

What she needed to do was concentrate on her schoolwork, and let relationships wait till later in life.

... At least I hope she understood that... At least she did not push me away this time.

As we started banking towards Jamaica, I made sure Tiff knew to check on her before we touched down.

It was time to get back to work... issues resolved as far as I was concerned.



Ok Josh, what did I miss?

"We are cleared to come on in runway 7... Looks like some Delta traffic in the area, and they just cleared us to begin our descent. I was about to announce it."

Ok well go ahead.

Josh announced to the cabin our initial descent into Montego Bay, and I reacquainted myself with the approach vectors to the airport.

"Hey Drew? Can I land this thing?"

That depends... are you gonna land us smoothly?

"What? Oh... hahahah Yeah! I can git r done!"

Against my better judgement I agreed.



The initial descent was a little fast.

I had to open our spoilers to lose a bit of airspeed so that we actually were below the 250 knot cap by the time we hit 10,000 feet.

I could see Negril in the distance, and the Hotel we would be spending Christmas and the weekend in. I could not WAIT to find a nice soft bed and relax, if only for a few hours, barring any bickering between Lolo and Tiffany, as well as any interruptions from Josh.

It suddenly dawned on me that this flight would mark my transition to Executive Captain of the Airline... Well that was a bonus.



Near Negril, I dropped our landing gear, and handed everything over to Josh for our landing.

With the smile of a middle school kid, he gladly took hold of the sidestick and began our approach into final.

Ok Josh, remember... There are hills on the way in. Make sure you clear them before we start our glideslope in.

"Sure thing Boss......."

He stared at me.

Ok... Just this one time.

"GIT R DONE!!!!" Josh yelled! He was satisfied with my ok, and began our landing procedure.



We skirted the top of the island as Josh stared out the window.

"Boss, were you REALLY born here?"

What? You think I make this stuff up? OF COURSE I was born here!

"I'm just askin! You do not have a Jamaican accent?"

Well I have been in the USA since I was a kid. It happens! Besides which if I started speaking in patois... and pronounce it Pat Wa... you would not even know what I was saying.

"Pat Waaaaaaah. Ok got it."

Josh, just land the plane please.



The weather was as nice as tropical weather could get.

We made our way over the countryside as I checked in with Montego Bay for landing clearance...

By time we got over the bay, we would be on our way down.

I could taste the jerk pork already...



Tiff's announcement was our cue to start our glideslope in.

Are you SURE you can handle this Josh?

I can always take over for final... those winds off the beach can be a little tricky.

"I got it Boss... Piece of cake!"

Ok then...

In retrospect... that should have been warning sign number one.



So far we looked good... Lined up perfectly... but coming in a little too fast.

I made minor adjustments to our throttle and Josh put them back to his original setting.

Umm... no. Cut power.

"Drew if we come in that slow we are not gonna make the threshold... Just lemme handle it ok?"

Ok then... if you think you can do this... Be my guest. Just remember we are 30 minutes LATE, and we have 177 passengers on board, one of which is my daughter.

"I know I know... have faith man!"



I hate it when I am right... at our speed we ended up way too high.

Josh... look at the VASI lights... we are too high... Lemme call for a go around.

"We can do it... Watch me..."

That was the last time I ever trusted Josh Drummond.

We SAILED over the threshold and dropped speed and altitude so fast that I instinctively reached for the dashboard to brace for impact.

By the time N185UW touched down, not ONLY did we slam into the runway, but we freaking BOUNCED! We came back to terra firma a half second later and skidded to a halt half way down the runway!!!! Landing rate recorded as -963.08 feet per minute!!!! INSANE!



"Well... that was a rough landing. Didn't expect that sea breeze there Boss."

JOSH I AM GONNA KILL YOU!

"What what? We're still alive! It's fine we landed ok!"

I was fuming!

JUST GET US TO THE TERMINAL!

With a plaintive "Yes Sir." Josh did as instructed.



As we made the turn to taxiway alpha I could hear the plane struggle to come around, and felt the mushiness of the nose gear underneath us.

I swear to Gawd that is the LAST time I am flying with you "Strutbuster!"

"Sorry Boss... I know i had it!"

I do not wanna hear it... As a matter of fact, I do not want to hear ANYTHING out of you for the entire time we are at the hotel!

"But Boss..."

SHUSH!



We limped our way into the terminal... leaking hydraulic fuel all over the taxiway.

Montego Bay tower had a few choice words for us that I would rather not transalate from patois to the Queen's english... but to say they were not pleased at all was an understatement.

I don't think I have been cursed at so much in all my time as a pilot.

Of course Josh could not bear the full brunt of it as he had no idea what they were saying half the time.

We parked the jet, and I motioned for Josh to get out of my cockpit as I continued to try and calm down the authorities in Montego Bay.



Tiff and Lolo came in on the tail end of my arguing with them, and sat for a while chuckling amongst themselves.

I was not amused.

Imagine if you will... CEO of the airline. Responsible for everything that goes on in USAVA... responsible for the outcome of this flight... and a black spot on MY record as pilot in command for having had this plane basically crater runway 7 with a landing that most passengers debarking could only comment by saying:

"Did we just land or crash there?"

I was embarrassed to say the least.

I told Tiff and Lolo I would join them in a few moments, as I needed to get an estimate from our Jamaica maintenance crew on repairs to the gear.



$3,389,332 to fix!!!!!!!

THREE MILLION DOLLARS!!!! Well, there goes everyone's Christmas bonus and New Years bonus...

A very disgruntled Executive Captain, I made my way out of the plane to the desk at the top of the jetway.

There at the desk Josh was in process of reaching for his flight bag behind the desk. Tiffany JUST happened to be moving backward from the desk at that time and his hand made contact with her butt.

.... WHAP! ....

Laid out on the floor of the US Air virtual gate, Josh never saw her sucker punch coming.

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On behalf of the Bolton family, and US Airways Virtual Airline, I would like to wish EVERYONE a very Merry Christmas!

See you next year!